Issue date: 4/23/09 Section: Showcase

Dear Ask Anything,
I spent a ton of money at V-ball and am now feeling a strain on my wallet. Plus, my girlfriend never offers to pay for anything. She makes more money than I do and seems to think that I have this limitless account that's just for her. I haven't found the right way to tell her how I feel because she's so traditional. What can I do to make some quick money and what are some cheap things I can still do with my girlfriend or should I just tell her off?

Sincerely,
Empty wallet


Dear Empty Wallet,
My advice comes to you in two parts. First and foremost, be creative and find your marbles. Guys pay for things. That's just how it is and since that won't change, now or ever, I suggest you be creative in the things you and your lovely do together. Not every night has to have a price tag. Go running together, float down the river, lie in the grass, or have some friends over and play a board game. Be careful with this, however, you need to shoot down game ideas involving numbers and acting, those games only ruin relationships.

But if you are some crackhead entertainment junky and you need to constantly be doing something, why don't you grow a
pair and just tell her you can't pay for everything all of the time. No matter how traditional she is, she'll understand. If you "just tell her off" like you mentioned, I'll slap you. Don't be so shallow. Relationships take sacrifice and if something as small as this makes you flinch, you shouldn't be in one, why don't you hit up the Pickle from now on. If you're so jealous of her situation, get a sex change and find someone more masculine, because you obviously have an issue with your cajones.

If nothing I've said sounds any good to you or won't work, I need you to pay for one more thing - a Velcro wallet. How often do you see these whipped out to pay for a movie, concert, or nice dinner? Exactly! Guys packing wallets with sound effects don't spend money; they're too ashamed to open their wallet in public. If someone actually does, he has a mullet, is 14 years old, hasn't showered lately, wears sunglasses at night and probably has a custom Sci-Fi credit card. In most cases, this person has all of these traits. Judging by your question, you're the average business major who doesn't have one of these, so I'm saying it'll be good for you to get one. Try opening it in front of your girlfriend to pay for something. Who knows, maybe she'll be so embarrassed when everyone looks over to see what the hell that noise was and she'll take the bill.

Try it.


Dear Ask Anything,
I had a quarter-life crisis this weekend. I was reminiscing of my past, looking through old pictures, even as recent as last year, and I thought to myself, where is my youth? I might only be 20 years old, but I feel like the best years of my life are over and done with. How can I get back in touch with my youth and get out of what's hopefully just an odd phase in my life?

Sincerely,
20 going on 40



Dear 20 going on 40,
You're a little premature on your crisis, don't you think? You didn't even mention switching majors, which I might have taken as a sufficient reason. But since you didn't, I have no pity for you. Of the two of us, I should be worried. I'm the one graduating in May with a degree in journalism. You're still in your early college years and you're only 20, get a grip! You're not even allowed in the bars yet - legally.

Honestly, you thought high school was more fun than college? Are you living in an overflow room by yourself? What's going on with you? You obviously have excitement issues if you're sitting around looking at old pictures on the weekend. Go make some friends and do exciting things with them: go jump off the bridge, skateboard down the hill, go camping in the Upper Peninsula and don't use the bear poles. Here's a good one, find the house where all of the baseball guys live and show up unannounced to one of their parties and break a window or steal a cup or something. Just see what happens. I've heard some crazy stories about stuff that goes on there, stuff that the people involved won't likely forget, exciting stuff.

You're not having a quarter-life crisis; you're just bored and sad. It's a scary path to go down, my friend. When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story. It's all a matter of perspective; all you need to do is mellow out and change yours. You haven't passed your best years yet, you're living them. Now start acting like the 20 year old you are and go get an underage. If you want an activity that will really take you back, go throw rocks at a beehive. If you're allergic, all the more exciting.

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