Ask Anything
Jacob McCormick
Issue date: 11/13/08 Section: Showcase
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I want a boyfriend, but I have been unsuccessful for so long. How do I get guys to like me?
Sincerely,
Betty Bachelorette
Dear Bachelorette,
Really, it depends on the type of guy you want. But here are a few general rules to live by when it comes to male behavior:
1. We love it when you offer to pay. There is nothing sexier than a girl who's willing to foot the bill for dinner and a movie, especially considering movies are $8.50 or so now. But to get your money's worth, you're going to have to make sure he is continually watching without bathroom or food breaks. If you're paying $17 for a sequel or so-so movie, you better make sure to appreciate that two hours with all five senses. And if you're going to a movie that has been out a while, such as Titanic, make sure to sit next to the one other person in the theater. It's almost as entertaining as being in the back row in an airplane and watching every single person's head bob and shake the same during turbulence. Easily one of the best memories from spring break 2007 in Cancun.
2. Buy us drinks. I've seen my friend (not me) drop at least $4 every time he gets a drink for a random girl. I think if you show us you're willing to gamble, albeit with much higher odds for success, we'll probably spend the next $20 on drinks. If you don't want to buy drinks, stand outside Jeff and Jim's or Buzzy's at 2 a.m. and offer a slice of pizza. That way, you can call it a dinner date and get the first one out of the way. It's win-win.
3. Don't smoke the wrong end of a cigarette at a party while replaying "your song" every five songs because you forgot you already heard it. Also, don't create a Facebook album of 75 photos of you and a different friend in each one doing the pouty lips and rotated-hand peace signs just below them. Those are self-explanatory.
4. Wear a large, blinking red tiara that reads, "I'm single" on it. That's probably the best advice I can give, because the amount of time spent by guys debating whether a girl may be single or not can be solved either through Facebook stalking or a quick glance on the way to class. Considering how many jobs look into Facebook and the general creepiness involved with Internet stalking, I'm thinking the latter is a better option. Speaking of Internet stalking, I'm lobbying hard for "To Catch a Predator" to do an entire "College Edition," where the decoys are on Facebook and you have to poke them a certain number of times for intent to be considered.
5. Pull a Barack Obama and meet your potential suitor without preconditions. What I mean by this is that everyone going into a date or relationship has a representative-self they put out there as a test run. Then, after about six months or so, you fire the representative and your partner starts getting to know the real you. By not pretending to like everything he says and does on the first date, you're eliminating the possible waste of at least three months with the guy because you'd know on the spot if it was worth pursuing or not. Personally, I'll spend $30 to save future expenditures.
Dear Ask Anything,
I'm a freshman here on campus. I don't know what to do with my life. What should I major in?
Sincerely,
Unfortunately Undecided
Dear Undecided,
Are you planning on a professional sports career? If so, see "Undecided Senior" or "Agricultural Journalism." I've seen both underneath college football player's names on television and even though I'm a journalism major, I couldn't tell you what agricultural journalism is except 45 percent of NCAA Div. I players swear by it.
It really all depends on how much money you want to make, how much you want to work and whether you like constant public interaction. Since I can't think of a way to write this without somehow pissing a major or department off, I'm going to invoke some of my experience as an undecided newbie.
During my freshman year, I took a bunch of GE classes first semester, minus the FYE class for some odd reason, but that turned out as a good screw up. Since you're almost done with yours, just assume I'm giving you advice for the spring. After carefully selecting classes based on relative ease, I would go to class, come back up to the dorms and just play video games for hours. You'll probably get really good at whatever game you work on, and it's made all the more sweeter by the fact that your friends will be at class from noon to 4 p.m. resenting you're glorious slacking. It was worth it for me and I think it'll work for you until you find a career path work pursuing.
Otherwise, you could always just stay undecided for a couple years in order to enjoy the full-on social college experience. That's probably not the best idea, but once you pick a major you'll slowly start realizing that the real world train is a comin' fast and there's no way out, like Kevin Costner.
I'd recommend delaying the inevitable for as long as possible so you can look back later and say, "college was the best six years of my life."
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