Issue date: 10/13/08 Section: Showcase

I turned on the television, put in a movie and as I was reaching for some popcorn, the television began bombarding me, my brain, and most importantly, my conscience, with an array of lights and sounds.

"YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A CAR!" shakes and flashes on the screen in time with the sound of crashing metal. Police sirens and music, reminiscent of an overly computerized action scene, blares - filling the room with noise and me with panic.

Although I was stunned by the initial assault, I pulled myself together only to realize my one ally, the remote, had fled and gone into hiding under the sofa cushions. How typical. Undeterred, I steadied my nerves and prepared to charge the television's volume button.

Filled with determination and adrenaline, I leapt from the chair towards my objective. That was the moment when the second wave of the assault began.

"YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A HANDBAG!"

"Ahhhhh! Of course not!" I cried as I dove for cover.

The barrage continued. I pictured the giant tiger-headed Cave of Wonders from Aladdin eating me alive, and fearing I had given an unfavorable answer, abandoned all my principles.

"Yes, I would steal a handbag!" I called tentatively, but it was to no avail.

"Piracy is a crime," the screen declared. I don't remember what happened after that.

When I came to, I was under the coffee table shivering in the fetal position - and my popcorn was gone. My roommates, seated in the chairs about me, had eaten all of it. I didn't expect them to understand what had just happened to me, but I wasn't prepared for what I saw next.

There, nestled comfortably next to one of my roommates, was the remote. I stared at it with sad eyes, hoping the remote would give me some slight indication - a gesture, a look, an apology - showing it knew it had abandoned me. That indication never came.

It just sat there, still and emotionless, as though nothing had happened. Unable to bear any more, I went to my room and started researching - I wanted to know what had ruined my movie night.

I did some research and learned that, apparently, it is possible to download music and movies online without even paying for them. That is why the powers-that-be created this "Piracy is a Crime," announcement.

I hesitated to write about this "cost-free media," because if more people find out about it, who knows what will happen. Then I thought about it a bit more and realized that most college students have no interest in downloading music or movies, let alone for free. Besides, having sacrificed my honor to appease the angry television screen, I've got no choice but to cling to my integrity as a journalist.

Honestly! The fact that the ads are loud, annoying and look like they we're put together by a group of 40-year-olds bent on being "edgy," not withstanding, these ads, or whatever they are, must be among the worst of whatever they are that I've ever seen. In terms of discouraging a behavior, I believe they fail
horribly.

In many crime dramas, there is a moment, usually at the end, during which the audience realizes that the criminal was successful and is safe from the hands of the law. Perhaps the criminal is gazing at a water fountain in Las Vegas or meeting a friend on the beach in Mexico.

When it is the moment in which the criminal can rest at ease knowing he or she is home free, it's then that the audience is going to think, "Gosh, despite all the gunfights and car chases, that looks fun ... and I'd have more money."

The obnoxious "You wouldn't" ads represent just such a crime-drama moment for the "daring" Internet pirates.

For Internet pirates, the beginning of the disc is their first opportunity to enjoy the fruits of their criminal-labor and is akin to the movie moment in which the criminal arrives in a tropical paradise and buys a margarita with stolen money. Putting the announcement in the movie at all, let alone the beginning, is a sweet reminder that they've successfully committed a crime without penalties.

It is similar to the movie criminal enjoying that ill-bought margarita while watching a news story about their perfect crime. For law-abiding citizens like myself, the obnoxious ad is only a reminder that I paid way too much for the movie I was going to enjoy and makes me think, "Gosh."

Speaking of tropical places and crime, who had the bright idea to label illegal file sharing and the sale of such media as "piracy?" If media companies really wanted to discourage illegal downloading, they would give offenders a less catchy, less romanticized title than "Internet pirate." Burglar, robber and thief would all adequately describe people that take other people's things.

Given the popularity of Jimmy Buffett's music and the success of Pirates of the Caribbean, for both forms of media this would seem like a no-brainer. Now, instead of merely clicking "download," people are picturing themselves with a sword and a cool hat, searching the Internet for media-laden ships to seize, and all the while thinking they'd look cool mumbling about "the rum."

Aside from the inconvenience of typing with a hook on one's hand, I don't see how the "pirate" label discourages illegal downloading. So, who are these "pirates" stealing from?

The people profiting most from movie and music sales aren't the people creating the art. Instead, its the companies that own, market and distribute the album or film. The music industry has a far stronger monopoly on individual talents than the movie industry. This might explain why music is illegally shared more often than movies. By signing artists to labels, the companies ensure there is no way to hear a musician without going through them.

You'll never see two companies trying to sell the exact same album and this absence of competition creates an opportunity for exorbitant prices. Is it any surprise that people leapt at the opportunity to exploit the digital format of media?

Which brings me to my next point, the ability to share music via the Internet.

I don't know what would've happened if discs had never caught on, but it would definitely be more difficult to share media with tapes and records because they aren't digital. Given the nature of capitalism, I've got to assume media companies switched to discs, which are digital, because it made them more money. Although the Internet wasn't really available at the time, I think it is fair to say that media companies would've been wise to do more research before switching to discs.

All this being said, nobody can blame the media industry for protecting their creative and intellectual property rights. They're a business! I'm not trying to condemn profits or capitalism. Actually, I think the media industry does a decent job overall, and I'm just trying to have a little fun at their expense. (Media companies, if you ever see this, when I say "fun at [your] expense," I mean that I'm making fun of you. I don't mean that I'm stealing from you.)

To conclude, an industry's stupidity, greed and lack of foresight does not give us the right to steal from it. (Although, the 700 billion dollar financial bailout for banks would suggest to me that a stupid, greedy, shortsighted industry does have the right to steal from us.)

Stewart is a senior education major and a guest columnist for The Spectator. "Will Stewing" appears every Monday issue.

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