Issue date: 9/25/08 Section: Showcase

Dear Ask Anything,

There is a girl at my work who wears the skimpiest clothes imaginable! I think it's distracting and plain rude for her to be dressed so provocatively in the workplace. All of the boys treat her like she's the best thing in the entire world when she isn't. When I tell her she needs to cover up more she ignores me and wears something even more revealing the next day. I've had enough. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Cover it up

Cover It Up,

It is perplexing to me to even think about answering your question. This is because, after all, I work at The Spectator, where no girl in their right mind would wear anything that would be remotely construed as being revealing. For if they did, they know they would have to deal with the office fashion police, which is a one man wrecking crew in the form of me. I enforce the dress code I established some semesters back with an iron fist, and everyone seems to abide by that. You unfortunately must not have that redeeming quality.

So, not coming from experience, I can only offer you some tips that I feel may work. You can't keep reminding the girl to cover up, because she obviously gets pleasure out of seeing you angered over her lack of clothing. And I could probably help you out a little more if I actually knew your line of work. I mean, if you work at the Playboy mansion you aren't right in asking the workers there to cover up.

But if your occupation is similar to mine, where you do your job to the best of your ability while leaving all bias at the door, then listen to my words of wisdom. Just don't get caught screwing up, because if you are in a line of work similar to mine, every mistake you make will be scrutinized by those who probably can't do your job any better.

First, there are the practical joke options. If the girl is showing a lot of leg, put some glue or tape or anything sticky on the seat she normally occupies. Believe me, once she has to tear her skin off in order to remove her recently waxed and over-tanned legs from the chair, she won't wear short shorts or mini skirts or Victoria's Secret Cheekie's around the office.

Unfortunately you can't enforce a dress code on her when she isn't in the office. Once she leaves the office she doesn't represent whoever you work for. If she wants to look like one of those girls who can't have fun without heterosexual males or homosexual females gawking at them, well then she is only representing herself at that point. Believe me, you don't want her perpetuating this image over your workplace. Otherwise people who have never met you will just associate you with that stigma. From experience, working for a place where people hate you just because you work there is troubling.

But perhaps the best option would be to show her who is boss in the form of attracting the attention from your male coworkers through other means than skimpy clothing. Things such as a sense of humor, knowledge of sports, good culinary skills and countless other qualities can catch the attention of males more than skimpy clothing. And do all of the above while wearing a sexy Diane Keaton-like suit and your Pussycat Doll wannabe could become the next Hillary Clinton.


Dear Ask Anything,

Last Friday night I did something kind of stupid. When I woke up Saturday morning I discovered I had gotten a tattoo of Tweety Bird on my butt. I really don't want to spend money to get the tattoo removed but I also don't want a yellow bird permanently etched on my bottom. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Bird Butt

Bird Butt,

So goes the life of a chronic sleep walker. One minute you are crawling into bed, the next you wake up to discover that you somehow managed to sleep through a walk to a tattoo place and the actual process of getting the tattoo.

Well you could cut off your butt completely, but I'm assuming you would probably like to avoid that. And if actual removal is out of the equation, than I am assuming so is getting the tattoo remade to look like an angel. Gotta love religious tattoos near the private places.

Personally though, I guess I just don't see the dilemma. I mean, you don't see your butt that much unless you really are looking at it in a mirror. If it is that big of a problem that you have to look at your butt all the time, I would say let yourself go to the point that looking at your butt isn't fun anymore, thus you would no longer need to look at the Tweety.

Now if you are worried about what others may think when they see it, that's a different story. I think a large bandage would do wonders to cover it up, and then an amazing story to go along with it could only help the cause. Make it something wild, such as the Band-Aid is covering a rug burn you got the other night, or perhaps that it is covering a cut you got while riding your bike naked. Something like this will totally take the guy's mind off what's under the bandage to what's going on in other places.

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