Issue date: 10/25/07 Section: Showcase

There is also the theory that the game was used to make military decisions, which would be the beginning of a proud tradition our current administration seems to be continuing in its management of the war in Iraq. Rumor has it that Donald Rumsfeld's unexpected victory over Colin Powell by virtue of a paper over a rock (fittingly enough) helped make the decision to dissolve the country's standing army.

But finding the answer to this question caused me to think, which was a painful and unpleasant experience to say the least. I was reminded of a question I've been wrestling with for some time, why does paper beat rock? I have sent letters to the United States of America Rock Paper Scissors League asking this question, but so far I have only received cease-and-desist letters and mail bombs in response.

I mean, scissors cutting paper and rock crushing scissors I get, but what does paper do to rock? Paper covers rock, but that doesn't destroy it. Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's gone; we're not dogs for crying out loud. If anything, rock rips paper because paper is so weak and fragile, much like the psyche of my opponents in Rock Paper Scissors.

I believe there should be a revision to the game, replacing paper with something that can actually destroy rock, like a jackhammer. Then scissors could beat jackhammer by cutting its extension cord, so everything would be hunky dory. How jackhammer might be conveyed by hand is something I have not decided, though. I'll leave that up to the USARPS League(soon to be the USARJS League) to decide.

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