Horoscopes
Issue date: 9/12/05 Section: Showcase
Virgo, Aug. 23 to Sept. 22: Despite what you truly will believe to be your best efforts, trying to make out with that guy/girl who always shows up at Brothers for Mug Club will not be a good idea, as something very gross and brown will be stuck in your teeth.
Libra, Sept. 23 to Oct. 23: Trouble lies on the horizon. You must decide sometime in the near future whether or not that "friend" who recently betrayed you is worth keeping around. If you decide not, then proceed with the murderous plans you had at the moment of deception. After all, sticking with your gut reaction has always worked before.
Scorpio, Oct. 24 to Nov. 21: So you got caught plagiarising, and everyone is making a big stink about it, using the words "expulsion" and "suspension" interchangeably. Don't worry about it. You always have a back-up plan. Sucking up at this point is rudimentary; instead, try blackmailing, because you can't dig yourself into much deeper of a hole than this.
Sagittarius, Nov. 22 to Dec. 21: That pipe bomb you made in seventh grade to scare your best friends into never stealing your crush will finally come into some use this week when your neighbors call the cops on your house party.
Capricorn, Dec. 22 to Jan. 19: A previously vicious debate with your roommates will conclude this week when you finally agree that Dracula could, in fact, defeat the Incredible Hulk in hand-to-hand combat, provided Hulk never gets angry.
Aquarius, Jan. 20 to Feb. 18: That nightmare you had about Herbert Hoover will finally come into use as a discussion topic this week when some hot (but hippy-like) guys mention him at The Joynt. However, you will similarly find you know very little about the Great Depression or the New Deal.
Pisces, Feb. 19 to March 20: Even though you'll feel a little embarrassed over the whole situation, you'll celebrate the fact that Lent actually isn't for another six months (you were way off) by putting down the fish sticks and eating a nice, big, bloody burger.
Aries, March 21 to April 19: Today you will completely give up all belief in astrology and the zodiac based on the untrue and irrelevant horoscopes you've read in various publications.
Taurus, April 20 to May 20: It's written in the stars today that you should take the bull by the horns. Whatever project you've had tentatively stewing upstairs for the past few weeks should be taken head-on immediately.
Gemini, May 21 to June 21: Today is the day for you Geminis to finally realize that you are, in fact, not a twin at all. In celebration of your newfound originality, you'll almost finish a crossword puzzle.
Cancer, June 22 to July 22: Today will be the day that you realize the mortality and frailty of existence. However, ironically enough, you probably will not die of cancer in the end. It will be due to a carnivorous earwig or rabies. I'm not quite sure of which one yet.
Leo, July 23 to Aug. 22: That music you've been listening to lately has numbed your subconscious judgment of what is actually good. Put down that new CD, and pick up some Ace of Base or Milli Vanilli. I swear it will change your whole perspective on life.
Libra, Sept. 23 to Oct. 23: Trouble lies on the horizon. You must decide sometime in the near future whether or not that "friend" who recently betrayed you is worth keeping around. If you decide not, then proceed with the murderous plans you had at the moment of deception. After all, sticking with your gut reaction has always worked before.
Scorpio, Oct. 24 to Nov. 21: So you got caught plagiarising, and everyone is making a big stink about it, using the words "expulsion" and "suspension" interchangeably. Don't worry about it. You always have a back-up plan. Sucking up at this point is rudimentary; instead, try blackmailing, because you can't dig yourself into much deeper of a hole than this.
Sagittarius, Nov. 22 to Dec. 21: That pipe bomb you made in seventh grade to scare your best friends into never stealing your crush will finally come into some use this week when your neighbors call the cops on your house party.
Capricorn, Dec. 22 to Jan. 19: A previously vicious debate with your roommates will conclude this week when you finally agree that Dracula could, in fact, defeat the Incredible Hulk in hand-to-hand combat, provided Hulk never gets angry.
Aquarius, Jan. 20 to Feb. 18: That nightmare you had about Herbert Hoover will finally come into use as a discussion topic this week when some hot (but hippy-like) guys mention him at The Joynt. However, you will similarly find you know very little about the Great Depression or the New Deal.
Pisces, Feb. 19 to March 20: Even though you'll feel a little embarrassed over the whole situation, you'll celebrate the fact that Lent actually isn't for another six months (you were way off) by putting down the fish sticks and eating a nice, big, bloody burger.
Aries, March 21 to April 19: Today you will completely give up all belief in astrology and the zodiac based on the untrue and irrelevant horoscopes you've read in various publications.
Taurus, April 20 to May 20: It's written in the stars today that you should take the bull by the horns. Whatever project you've had tentatively stewing upstairs for the past few weeks should be taken head-on immediately.
Gemini, May 21 to June 21: Today is the day for you Geminis to finally realize that you are, in fact, not a twin at all. In celebration of your newfound originality, you'll almost finish a crossword puzzle.
Cancer, June 22 to July 22: Today will be the day that you realize the mortality and frailty of existence. However, ironically enough, you probably will not die of cancer in the end. It will be due to a carnivorous earwig or rabies. I'm not quite sure of which one yet.
Leo, July 23 to Aug. 22: That music you've been listening to lately has numbed your subconscious judgment of what is actually good. Put down that new CD, and pick up some Ace of Base or Milli Vanilli. I swear it will change your whole perspective on life.